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on the couch rotting and i have been on instagram every so often. i can literally feel myself draining of energy when i do! been thinking of coming back to write something for a couple of days now. when trying to break away from scrolling right now to right this i felt my mind giving so much resistance and i actually gave up and went back to scrolling a couple times before this. gave up is a strong word as in i didnt even really do it consciously. didn't understand that the resistance and the near automatic hand gesture to open the instagram app again was in fact giving up. feels bad to type out because i don't like to be a person who folds so easily! but that is what happened. just made me think of an evil guy in my life talking to me about my weakness, but now im seeing that i couldnt give less of a crap what a rando dude thinks of me.. glad that has changed!
may 14-15 i spent like nearly 30 consecutive hours in logan doint ceramics stuff and im really excited to see how they turn out!!!! fingers crossed. it felt really good to make make make, but i also definitely did not take care of my body at all and am feeling it now. questions of what exactly my aesthetic style is,, came up a lot, and i know it is just a matter of time and putting in the effort to hone my skills and refine the execution of my tastes as well as the standards themselves.
then right after i watched spirit stallion FOR THE FIRST TIME and very greatly enjoyed how little talking there was and then revisited mulan. recently when i revisit mulan i notice new things each time. but it was nearly 5 and i was totally wiped. thanks h3ming for letting me crash for like 2 nights h3h3
my apartment feels unlivable right now because there is so much shit strewn everywhere and i need to do laundry. my orchid has been dying of root rot too and i feel so guilty. it's pushing out a new leaf, a root, and something else. but i fear that it may not get enough light because both its mature leaves are now dead.
back to style, though. last night went to jiluka concert with hp fuckers and i think i forgot how much i really appreciate aesthetics and fashion and how important they are to me. malice mizer music videos playing as i type this out, haven't watched them until now. this morning i had an office hours where i brought up surreal and magical realism because this was the cinemas class. and i think as unsure as i get when i make my art, i do actually have a core of style even if it's a bit diffuse right now. i love blur and grandeur and drama and dreams. i think it really resonates with me. the past few years have been all about cobbling things together with what i have and reconstituting the mundane to recover the beauty within. which is also a very transy thing i think of making do with what i was given (my body). every damn jiluka member gives me such gender envy it's kind of crazy and i think the same can be said of most vkei people.
seeing so much fucking about with gender felt so normal and natural and wonderful but today i was also thinking about how under threat our expressions are. i have the privilege of passing as a cis woman but on the other hand while i dont care too much what strangers think, it is so strange to move about the world being so acutely aware that people see something in me that i really dont feel i am, whatsoever. (and i havent felt like a girl without putting on a performance of that for, i dont know. at least very keenly since middle school.) in lower school i think i accepted girlhood because boyhood felt like more of a performance. but what i meant by boyhood was what people mean when they talk about tomboys: liking sports and being rough, or whatever. makeup be damned haha. i did want to do martial arts, though. i have to ask how much of that was internalized misogyny as that for sure played a part in my active refusal of pink and makeup and also social media (that was probably good though). but also secretly i wanted justice and claire's and i was curious about it. thing is, since then, and even then, i dont think i've felt right being a girl all the way through. even though being a boy was most definitely also not right.
i very much remember when i first started puberty. i had to be around 11 or so, but it was in lower school. i was walking down the stairs near the cafeteria i think and wearing one of my favorite shirts that day. a nike sports shirt, white with turquoise sleeves. up until then i hadn't thought much about what my body looked like, but when i got to the first floor, i noticed that my nipples were beginning to puff out. i didn't like it. i felt embarrassed and wondered how long they had been like that, how long i hadn't noticed.
im only really coming to terms with this now but i also think i started my period earlier than i usually report. my first period i think i was fully in denial about and just ignored for the most part.
also i got capstone feedback today and my preceptor who is very chill nominated me for the mapss capstone award and while im not sure if she does that for everyone, i'm happy that my work paid off a bit.
being in the vicinity of more suicide jokes and what not lately, i realize how far i've come since high school. i still can't imagine a solid future for myself and i dont know who i want to be exactly but i am for once excited to see where i will go regardless and i am excited to keep creating. i think for me that is the most important part.
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