post saint omer

 2205 19052026

sitting outside the front of the reg. the cigarette smell around this bench greeted me as i sat down. butts litter the three stepstones before me. i'm framed by shrubs. 

been reminiscing about taiwan a lot lately and the scent in the air of old smoke pulled some part of my mind back. but i'm sitting here thinking about these moments of lingering and savoring that i choose to have. i don't have many here left. and when i sit still long enough i feel lingering malaise in my body and wonder when i will feel healthy again.

2208

the scent of smoke returns as the wind dies down and now my ride arrives

saint omer left me frustrated and heartbroken. the cruelty of motherhood and invisibility.

2341

being late to the one day i told myself i couldnt miss really threw me off kilter. then rochona's you came in very late and dan's you need to set better alarm (both lighthearted) murdered me. and i still need to send an email to salome whom ive been meaning to meet for over a year now. 

instagram use through the roof today. part of me was feeling guilty about looking away because i was getting so much content i didnt know about world news. the other part just was avoiding the work of living and the work of falling asleep. i'm tired. need to make whole daybook

orchid leaf fell off and i'm very anxious. she's just a little nub now and while i am holding out hope, i dont think she'll make it. but i will believe.

2345 

you know honestly despite it all i've still been catching my moments of ridiculous joy in the trees and birds and night and moon and humanity and for that i'm very very glad. savoring saves my life, really.