1754 24 oct 2026 home
made it to the dinner table
i'm dizzy and nauseous with hunger in the way that makes me feel like all i want to do is lay down and go to sleep
in the way that the effort of getting something to eat feels like too much to bear
skipped testing this morning because i slept at 4 and i knew i'd spend the day in a haze so here i am because i woke up at 1530 basically 4
scrolled and scrolled and read someone else's stories until now. anakrutch...
walked outside to look at the sun shining golden off the banana leaves. two birds, one slightly blue, spun out of the oak tree and chased each other, closer to me than i'd expect. i couldn't see them too well without my contacts. everything really is new, all the time. felt this the other day too, at least thought the same thought. habit might make you think otherwise. but every moment is new, and i felt it today. i went inside and put my contacts in.
i like the name franz for a girl. if a boy were to be named alice, i would want a girl to be named maurice.
as i was sitting at the breakfast table scrolling and scrolling and eating a bit of the soup i wasn't allowed to say no to earlier today, i thought about what i wanted to do outside of work. found myself poking and pressing at the bounds of "why can't i just live a little life and be happy with it? why care about some big impact or legacy?" but if he worked insurance and still wrote his stories, still held those high standards for himself and worked to reach them, didn't crumble at the thought of them, then i can do at least that too. maybe it's less about legacy and more about creating what i'd like to create, creating because it makes me feel like i am living.
i live with a lot of anxiety. i don't perform as well when watched. i kind of hate being watched. but sometimes i love to perform. i feel like im being observed most all the time. as i write this, i am laid out on the dinner table just out of view, i hope, of a fisheye security camera whose voice i dread. my job serves me. i am watched and i must perform and i must set down my niceties. it also tells me that i dont recognize rudeness enough and put up with it too often.
i live with a lot of anxiety. especially in this home, in proximity to her. i find myself treating every moment as if it's my last with her. but sometimes like this morning things happen and i dread the thought that it's our last interaction. i woke up tired and she brought me water to drink and soup to eat but all i wanted to do was sleep and the soup was too much to eat in one go. then i bled so i ran before i stained the bed and by that time since i was up i went to go find the soup only to be told to go back to sleep. i returned to bed feeling shaken, a bit disgusted, and a bit fearful. i don't like when my no is disregarded. i didn't like that all i could do was whine until she got tired of it. i didn't know how to apologize and i was scared of what she'd think. then she said goodbye as she was leaving in such a light voice and i was left wondering if i was the only one who was struck by the whole incident.
she called me about an hour ago asking if i'd eaten yet and i'm thinking of doing that now. everything is new all the time but sometimes old patterns prevail.