everything really is new all the time

 1754 24 oct 2026 home

made it to the dinner table 

i'm dizzy and nauseous with hunger in the way that makes me feel like all i want to do is lay down and go to sleep

in the way that the effort of getting something to eat feels like too much to bear

skipped testing this morning because i slept at 4 and i knew i'd spend the day in a haze so here i am because i woke up at 1530 basically 4

scrolled and scrolled and read someone else's stories until now. anakrutch...

walked outside to look at the sun shining golden off the banana leaves. two birds, one slightly blue, spun out of the oak tree and chased each other, closer to me than i'd expect. i couldn't see them too well without my contacts. everything really is new, all the time. felt this the other day too, at least thought the same thought. habit might make you think otherwise. but every moment is new, and i felt it today. i went inside and put my contacts in.

i like the name franz for a girl. if a boy were to be named alice, i would want a girl to be named maurice. 

as i was sitting at the breakfast table scrolling and scrolling and eating a bit of the soup i wasn't allowed to say no to earlier today, i thought about what i wanted to do outside of work. found myself poking and pressing at the bounds of "why can't i just live a little life and be happy with it? why care about some big impact or legacy?" but if he worked insurance and still wrote his stories, still held those high standards for himself and worked to reach them, didn't crumble at the thought of them, then i can do at least that too. maybe it's less about legacy and more about creating what i'd like to create, creating because it makes me feel like i am living.

i live with a lot of anxiety. i don't perform as well when watched. i kind of hate being watched. but sometimes i love to perform. i feel like im being observed most all the time. as i write this, i am laid out on the dinner table just out of view, i hope, of a fisheye security camera whose voice i dread. my job serves me. i am watched and i must perform and i must set down my niceties. it also tells me that i dont recognize rudeness enough and put up with it too often. 

i live with a lot of anxiety. especially in this home, in proximity to her. i find myself treating every moment as if it's my last with her. but sometimes like this morning things happen and i dread the thought that it's our last interaction. i woke up tired and she brought me water to drink and soup to eat but all i wanted to do was sleep and the soup was too much to eat in one go. then i bled so i ran before i stained the bed and by that time since i was up i went to go find the soup only to be told to go back to sleep. i returned to bed feeling shaken, a bit disgusted, and a bit fearful. i don't like when my no is disregarded. i didn't like that all i could do was whine until she got tired of it. i didn't know how to apologize and i was scared of what she'd think. then she said goodbye as she was leaving in such a light voice and i was left wondering if i was the only one who was struck by the whole incident.

she called me about an hour ago asking if i'd eaten yet and i'm thinking of doing that now. everything is new all the time but sometimes old patterns prevail.

 1737 2 oct 2026 on way to hayley williams show

stares rainbows into clouds

1851 3 oct 2026 home

think somehow purple rain is at least slightly associated with my last morning in milan.

ground squirrel in the trap

 1617 home 2 oct 2026

has my inaction gone too far? and why is it only now that i am feeling this way? i guess i have before as well.

the ground squirrel has died in the trap, a slow death from starvation. i heard its cries the days before.

i could have released it

but it's digging up our foundations, mom says

i could have fed it

why didn't i? was my phone more important?

i could have driven it far and let it go

why didn't i? because i was waiting for someone else to do it?

from afar it looks like it's curled up sleeping but as i walk close i see the ground crawling underneath it and it's the ants, always the ants, and a fly has discovered it already. i crouch down to witness this preventable death of a hapless creature, preventable by me. 

and as i stand, my unbearable mouse of a heart beats so hard my vision shakes with every pulse and i go to smell the golden osmanthus blooming across the garden.

dreams before 28 sep 2026

 flying out of london back to sf today

0953 last little bit of time on claire's couch sep 28 2026

last night i dreamt of being unpacked

of missing my flight

or being so late to the airport that i was about to miss it

but also,

last night i dreamt of kissing you

you kissed me on the forehead first and my cheeks and then you kissed my lips

pulled back and said that was all but i drew closer for more

but even in my dream i was clear that all i wanted was to kiss you

maybe even only once

but once i started i couldn't stop

and you laughed at my infatuation but i didn't care

until it was too much and i had to wake myself up

26 sep 2026

two musings while with angele

1220

someone pushing a wheelchair up the hill made racecar noises while passing us. i love when people people.

1237

i like that objects can catch falling leaves. i always try so hard to catch them and usually fail, but this car caught one so effortlessly.

1907 meeting deborah law

2346 our wish 

angele's wish 

may we be influential to society and the world

may we sustain ourselves while at it

may we be successful being ourselves

influential and thriving

hahaha it will come true

we will see each other again

i love seeing angele

1908 176 to nandine 24 sep 2026

 recording a musing i had on waterloo bridge

1741

if i fell in love in this city

maybe we'd have found our way into the artist's garden and talked til late on the bench. maybe we'd have flipped over the gate or hid until the guards closing the platform walked past us none the wiser. 

and one day we'd make our way down the muddy river from temple to embankment to this very waterloo bridge and we'd see this stupid little stretch of god knows what sediment and you or i would insist on pretending to have a grand old beach day and we'd shimmy our way down ro the grit and banged up boards where the birds were perusing today. the equally brown water would lap at our feet and, does it still smell, do you suppose? one of us would get grossed out and we'd tease each other about it until we both were too disgusted to stay. and so we'd have our london beach day maybe foggy maybe not and maybe we'd get caught for loitering where we aren't supposed to, but i wouldn't feel like there was any place i wasn't supposed to be as long as i was with you. we'd laugh and run and duck somewhere else, find another little tidbit, but not before standing on the bridge above and noticing the little patch of rainbow in the sky.

maybe we'd be in the victoria embankment park and share a kiss, watch strangers pass and stare at them until they look away. to be in love in london would be so different than my lovely california or my chicago or budapest or milan and i do wonder where we'd be. i can't lie when i had this thought i remembered him and how we met at artist's garden and talked til so late in hyde park and battersea and walked everywhere and he snuck me into the rca but alas. as tender as he was to me as tender as he may have felt, i don't think i felt the same, but the gratitude and connection remains dear in my heart.

2222 back in brixton at claire's

i was waiting for angele today on waterloo bridge too. as i walked toward hir i couldn't not smile in anticipation. we met each other in the middle and hugged for so long and hugged again and ze held my pinky and we walked together. we really spoke our meeting into being. i always love to see hir. 

sometimes chance likes to bring people together again and again. when i particularly enjoy the collisions, i like to call it fate.

here's to always ending up in the same place, mein liebchen xx

(sometimes chance brings two people together again and again. when i particularly enjoy the collisions, i like to call it fate.

here's to always ending up in the same place, mein liebchen xx)

2318 23 sep 2026 brixton

 at claires

2318

two ? nights ago, last night in milan, i slept in a bed my heart ached in. sleep was patchy but i recall one dream vividly. i dreamt that i had taken a photograph of a huge white crane flying in front of a house, gilded by the setting sun behind it. i want to paint it one day.

2335

i am so primed toward romance right now. and have been, lately. i am defenseless. 

i went climbing again today too. truly i love to clamber. but i saw a beautiful girl. and i watched another beautiful girl climb and her back and shoulders were captivating, as were the various nooks she found herself in while solving the puzzle of the path. i love to watch how different people think and move and solve.