i return

it's 2:28pm may 14 2026 and i accidentally published a draft off dewdrops and erased the date i had originally written the post on. no more touching that. dewdrops is dead, i say, but is it dead? does committing something to an archive sentence it to death? is a museum just full of dead things then? do artifacts die?

earlier i had tried to make a livejournal account but who am i kidding ! i've been on blogspot since god knows when. this is my turf. 

i've been telling myself for a whole month now, acutely, but really, longer than that, that i need to journal, polish be damned, editing be damned, punctuation be damned, be damned. 

i'll come clean. i am addicted to my phone, but more specifically, social media. instagram to be exact. while i think there are definitely productive ways to use it, i'm smelling that concession as some justification that my dark and twisted mind is telling me so that i can stay doomscrolling. to the point that i can't hold a thought for longer than half a minute, can feel my vestibular system sliding and melting. depriving myself of sleep, of mental labor, of the mental labor of falling asleep. it's a habit i reach for and my taps are blind. 

i'm late for an office hours that i need to go to because i overslept my alarm for class today. the one class i basically forbade myself from ever intentionally skipping. and i still need to do some more readings. but i've been practicing patience and body listening, practicing working with my mind, and i need this. much more to say, many more thoughts that flashed by but will take so very long to type out.

tried to ask about my $5000 scholarship today only to find out that i can't claim it anymore and to be very honest that's setting me off a helluva lot right now i cannot lie. i'm mad at myself for not trying sooner and also incredulous that i was expected to submit my claim for it within the Month that i received my offer?? and that it wasnt even contingent on my ACCEPTING the offer??? what the living hell??? and i'm sensitive about money right now so that makes things way worse. five thousand dollars is a BIG SUM to me. i'm also mad at the university for not being very clear about any of this. i can admit privately with no guilty plea that i could've been more proactive about it all but REALLY and TRULY the letter, the SINGULAR letter i received about that scholarship, was so unclear.

anyway, i'm making good on what i said i would do right now

so here i am because i need to write and so i will