crush season

0031 17 jun 2026

didnt write about osora but meant to way back when i deleted instagram during call with annabelle

it's been reinstalled to great detriment. lot of doomscrolling and habitual. sure, jobs, and been exploring how to girl makeup with close friends which has been fun. posted graduation. may post more. but the irresponsible scrolling saps too much of my time, as does the.. chatting.

been watching pursuit of jade with mom. really need to improve my chinese for a lot of what i want to do. she's telling me to go 捡个 useful guy for myself haha. 

and i dont think the romance of the show is helping my current hankering for a little romance. and i've been thinking about people. but it's always when i think about actually being with them, or even getting physical (like, straight up, just a kiss), where the daydreams fall dead. and also sometimes it's a fear element. will i be seen and accepted for all i am and all i have ? i wonder. when is my next romance? will i have one? i maybe want one right now. maaaaybe. do i want one with a certain person? i am even less certain about that. but maaaybe i'm a bit curious.

0049 father returned today too. and not 30 minutes upon getting home did the first small spat erupt. how am i to feel comfortable at home with him? there is so much i'd like to say on that.

i also often wonder what mom thinks of my voice now. she's dropped the subject soon after i told her about going on t but im sure she has thoughts. especially when dad thinks i'm one of the brothers when he's listening in through the camera.

0052 physically i also feel like i'm falling apart. i'd like to be so strong and flexible and do cool things but i am so utterly weak right now. i guess i just have to get started but how many times do i have to restart? i hate also feeling not only that i am weak but also clearly that my joints are slipping which makes me feel like a big dramatic baby but it's true. and my heart beats so weird.